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one foot in and one foot out

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marriage sucks! let’s just go ahead and throw that out there.

It’s hard fucking work sharing a life with someone. and then you decide to have children and suddenly it’s a little fucking harder. and then you move away from the very few people you’re closest to and become a stay-at-home mom and housewife where the only people you get to talk to all day long shit their pants and your whole entire day consists of keeping tiny people happy and entertained. and then you have to make sure the laundry is done and then cook dinner so your husband doesn’t starve and you start to slowly go insane. seriously, guys, this is what your future holds. you’ve been warned.

anyways, I’m bitching about marriage today not motherhood. we will save that for tomorrow. and the next day….

the husband and I just celebrated our six year wedding anniversary. and by celebrated I mean, he got home at 8pm after leaving work and running to the store to buy himself a new grill, then he cooked some food and went to bed approximately at 10pm. oh, the romance….

being married for six years is a long fucking time for someone who is getting ready to turn 25. you shouldn’t even be allowed to get married until you’re like 30. seriously. my marriage is fine & dandy compared to most though. I married my best friend. one of my high school sweethearts. yada yada yada…. but it’s boring as fuck. I hate boring. and lately, I’ve been having a pre-midlife crisis, if that’s even a thing.

I don’t talk to anyone about my personal life really. I’ll say a few things to my mom here and there but I’m careful. always careful. I don’t like to feel vulnerable whatsoever (which is actually a problem in my marriage according to my husband) so I don’t talk to people about personal things but since I started this blog as a diary and a place to open my mind, I’m going to tell anyone who’s reading this, I guess.

I’m kind of finicky. so one minute I think leaving my husband would be for the best and the next I’m saying I want a third fucking baby. who does that?! psychos, that’s who. we seem to have grown apart though, as most everyone does. it’s just life. I want totally different things than I used to want. I mean, total 360 degree kind of different. the husband always says he wants what I want but I have a problem with that because he lacks passion. about anything. I want to spend my life traveling and learning new things, new cultures and he is just so content with exactly where he is right now and it’s not exactly a bad place to be at. we have a nice home, nice cars, two kids, money to spend, etc. but money isn’t everything. and it’s nothing at all if you lack passion.

I keep telling myself I’m just stuck in a rut with myself, which is true, I am. I need something that is mine that I don’t have to share. something I can do for myself. I feel like I have nothing outside of being a mother and a wife. Who am I other than that? it’s a damn good question that I have no fucking answer to. that’s another reason I’m starting fresh on my 25th birthday. I’ve got to figure myself out. I’ve just really never got to be my own person. I never went off to college because my dream job wasn’t realistic at the time and then suddenly it became realistic a few years later when I would have been almost done with college so that’s been slightly tough to accept. I know it’s never too late and all that but right now, it’s not realistic. I have two very small children to raise so maybe one day after they’re grown, I’ll get to take that path. until then, school is out of the question…. So where’s that leave me? and that, my friends, is where I’m stuck….

I want to travel. It’s what I’m most passionate about. So I’m thinking that’s probably a good place to start. My grandparents live in Arizona and I’m going to roadtrip with my two kiddos out there and explore that side of the country and see where life takes me, I guess. My husband will just have to understand because I need to do this for myself. I feel like I’m just wasting life by sitting around doing the same freaking thing over and over and over again.

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Wake up. Make a cup of coffee. Make another cup of coffee. Read. Take kids to park. Make lunch. Go on a walk. Take kids back to park. Make dinner. Do laundry. Give baths. Try to get kids to go the fuck to sleep. Read. Sleep. Repeat…..

that is literally my schedule every. single. day.

I need some spontaneity. I’m so sick of being boring. I’m sick of my husband being boring. I can’t spend my life with someone who only talks about food or sports or work and acts like a giant toddler. all men seriously can’t be this way. I do not want my sons to be this way. I want them to love to travel. To try new things, new foods. to not base everything on money. to have some fucking passion. and to not get married until they’ve discovered themselves because then you can’t be selfish and twenties should be about being selfish.

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no more excuses.

20140602-215850-79130690.jpgSo, my twenty-fifth birthday is just around the corner and I’ve decided that’s one hell of a year to get my shit together. I like to start goals and challenges and junk like that on specific days. annoying, I know. I’m one of those obnoxious new year’s resolutions makers. I’m usually pretty good at sticking with goals though but this year I tanked them all. horribly.

I wanted to save money this year. that was my main resolution. so, I bought a new car. I mean, holy fuck, I’m a rule-breaker. I do so well if I don’t make rules for myself but the moment I set a rule, I can’t help but break it. Bad habits die hard, I suppose.

So for my twenty-fifth birthday I want to start fresh. I want to get my shit together. I want to get in the best health possible and stay there. I want to pay off bills. I want to simplify. I want travel more often. I want to take up new hobbies, learn new skills. I want to stop giving myself excuses to sit around bored off my ass just because I have two kids and it’s stressful as fuck to take them anywhere. No more excuses!

Now I just have to figure out what specific goals I want to set for my health. Years ago I was a pescatarian (a vegetarian that still consumes seafood). I love seafood. Absolutely love it. I don’t like other meat however so it’s easy for me to do that. Then I moved on to becoming a vegetarian (that does not consume seafood) the last year and a half before having my second child. but then while pregnant, I craved everything I didn’t allow myself to eat and I had to have a big ass juicy burger, or twenty. (Pregnancy does that shit to you. and so does breastfeeding, you’ve been warned!) So for the last year I’ve been back to eating meat and I need to stop and set some goals for myself…..

I know that I want to get away from processed foods. Regardless of anything else, my goal is a whole foods lifestyle. I just can’t decide if I want to do;

a – pescatarianism again, minus milk products
b – vegetarianism, minus milk products
c – veganism, minus eggs because I only get eggs from my mother’s extremely happy chickens and I love eggs.

One of my biggest obstacles is my coffee. If you have small children, then you know you can’t survive without coffee. and then adds ten pounds of sugar to that small cup of coffee and you’re good to go about your day chasing a 3 year old with a one year old hanging off of your boob. yep. I need the coffee. so I need to figure out a dairy substitute for my half&half because that coffeemate shit isn’t going to cut it. I mean, what the fuck is that even?! I’m just going to have to learn to love coconut cream in it, I guess.

decisions. decisions…..

I do know that I’m going to learn guitar. It’s been on my bucket list for as long as I can remember so I’m going to start checking off the bucket list, you know, before I’m on my death bed.

I’m also going to venture across the country with my boys and a pop-up camper this fall to visit my grandparents in Arizona and then some national parks and California because I want to see if it takes longer for me to pull every hair out of my head or die of caffeine poisoning, that’s why.

NO MORE EXCUSES!

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fuck reality, read books.

enough said, right?!

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I’ve discovered that I have a passion for reading. Like a ridiculously strong passion that was apparently hidden reallll deep until my kids stole my sanity and I needed a way to chill the fuck out. and since marijuana is not quite legal in my state yet and coffee is the strongest thing I’ll drink, I’ve found a love for fiction.

the first books I started out reading, around December, were ‘the mortal instruments’. I watched the movie and really wanted to know what happened next so I decided to read it and what do ya know, I can read! like way faster than I thought…

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So now I totally get it. I understand why some people always have a new book in their hands. It’s amazing, really. My younger brother has always been such a huge reader and I could never understand how he read so much, so fast. Now I do. It’s a fantastic escape. I can even manage to read and keep my two kids alive!

Here’s some of the books and series’ I’ve read:

The Mortal Instruments
Divergent Trilogy
The Mind Readers Series
The Chemical Garden (sucks)
The Beautiful Ones
Gone Girl (wasn’t impressed at all)
Anita Blake Series (I’m only on the second of like 16)
Wild
The Twilight Saga (finishing it now)

I’m sure I’m missing some but this is what I remember at the moment. I also discovered that libraries put books on the internet most of the time. Not all of them are on there to borrow but a lot are so it saves me a lot of money because I read them on my kindle on my iPhone and I used to buy them off of amazon because I didn’t know. My world has been rocked by reading though! Seriously!

I’ve always wanted to read the popular ones like, Twilight and Harry Potter, so I’m finishing up the Twilight Saga now and then possibly starting on the Harry Potter ones. The books really are soooo much better than the movies. Really.

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Whole 30 Food Challenge

This month I decided to do a ‘Whole 30′ food challenge and talked the husband into doing it with me, which as we all know, consists of him only doing it when I’m not around to bitch at him, but, whatever.

I wanted to try the challenge because my ultimate health goal is to not consume or buy any processed food whatsoever. Sure, I sound nuts in today’s society, but once upon a time people actually ate real food, ya know?!

Everything about our health stems from our daily diet. We literally are what we eat. So whoever thought that was said to be a joke, I’d say the joke was on them!

Anywho, I actually give a damn about my body so I want to start taking care of it while I’m young. I’m a fairly healthy eater though so I should do pretty well although the challenge should be interesting when I start craving my bedtime bowl of cereal. Usually a smoothie can curb any cravings but who the fuck is going to turn a blender on in the middle of the night and take the chance of waking their little monsters up?! Ummm, no thanks, I’d rather eat this diaper laying by my bed!

I also wanted to throw in 100 sit-ups a day into my challenge for the month. I doubt the husband will join in on that one though, he’s not the most active person you’ll ever meet. We have vacation coming up in 4 weeks so I figured now was the best time to do it! Just don’t tell my husband I forgot to do my sit-ups today! I’d totally do them right now but my youngest just happens to be sleeping across my lap so, oh damn, I guess they’ll have to wait!

Or maybe I did do them and this is an April Fools joke…. sure, we’ll go with that one.

I Want To Be Free

I feel stuck in so many different ruts that it’s ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. I have this perfect little life and yet I feel so stuck. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

It’s nuts how your ideals change as you age. Hell, even last year I wanted that big house with lots of space and all the antiques I could get my hands on. Now, all the clutter and materialism and space I have to fill with clutter is driving me batshit crazy!

I’ve been purging slowly but surely over the past months. Although when I decide to purge, my husband seems to decide to go on shopping sprees so it does me no good whatsoever but I will get there! I will!!

Right now, my dream is to buy or build a ‘Tiny House’ on wheels like this….

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I’m just so tired of all the material things. I’ve always wanted to have an rv or camper and live and travel around in it. That’s always been my dream growing up and now I have two boys of my own who are growing up in a very, very material world. Everyone just buys things and then buys some more things! Then there’s all the electronics, which, don’t get me wrong, they’re fantastic a lot of the time, but what about nature?! What about being outside in the breeze and going on hikes and riding bikes and surfing and camping and swimming and things everyone used to do when they cared about themselves and the environment more than shiny new toys.

This has all just really been eating away at me as I watch how much my 3 year old loves the playstation after discovering it, since we live inside for basically half of the year because Ohio’s weather is moody as hell. And every toddler has a tablet now to keep them occupied. It makes me sad. Really sad. It also scares the shit out of me because what the hell are we going to raise?! What kind of people will they grow up to be if they don’t know nature? I just don’t want to know, honestly!

So right now, I’m going to purge the fuck out of my house and our belongings. I’m going to bug the shit out of my husband to get us a camper, rv, or tiny home. And then we are going to move into it and live the simple life, preferably south, where we don’t have to worry about our tiny home freezing. That’s my plan. Probably a five year plan, to be realistic and to get vehicles paid off first. But it’s still a freaking plan!

I’m sure one day down the road I’ll be done with that and want a home that doesn’t have wheels or maybe I won’t. But I do know I need a big change for our family because this buying shit we don’t even like and spending twelve thousand dollars on rent alone for a year isn’t cutting it for me right now when I could build my own tiny home for less than that and be free.

FREE. That’s such a beautiful word.

Here’s a tiny home and the woman’s story. She built it for eleven thousand dollars! How amazing would this be?!!

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You May Say I’m A Dreamer, But I’m Not the Only One

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I bombarded a good friend with these thoughts of mine this morning. I thought I’d share because this is me. This is how I feel on a daily basis and what I struggle with…

“Would I sound crazy if I said I’m thinking about spending a few months in Hawaii? Well, crazy isn’t the word I’m looking for, because I don’t care if I’m crazy, but, would that be ridiculous??… I know this probably isn’t what you wanted to wake up to, but I seriously struggle with staying put and ‘wasting’ life. I don’t have the type of content heart that can stay put, if that makes sense….. It’s just one of those days, damnit!”

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The Hawaii thing is this though, I’ve been looking at places for vacation for maybe next year before I have to buy my youngest a plane ticket too. It will cost about a grand to rent a small house for a week…. Well, there are a lot of places I have found I can rent for the whole month from about 1500 and up, which compared to the week of what I’m paying, I’d rather pay a bit more and get the month, obviously….

So then I got thinking, why not save up a chunk of money (since the most expensive part is flying clear over there anyways) and just stay for a while. I see tons of people move over there and know a few people who lived over there for a few years, so why can’t I do that instead of wishing I could…. The place I really like is around 1200 for the whole month. That’s barely more than we pay for our place now and it’s not in fucking Hawaii…. I obviously would take my sons, in case that was unclear 😉, and my husband can come home after 2 weeks because he thinks I’m ridiculous anyways so I can’t even talk to him about things like this because he doesn’t understand why I’m never content with anything….

20140211-084913.jpg“I know we’re not so similar in the whole traveling aspect, but being a mother and seeing the world are the two most important things to me. They’re my passions and I think it’s so important to be curious about the world and I want my kids to be that way. My husband isn’t that way at all. I honestly don’t think we could be any more opposite but that’s just what happens when you marry too young before you find yourself and I know that….. But I know you get how important it is to stay curious about everything in general. It’s so important and I don’t want my kids to be boring and get married at 18 and start a family. If that’s what they want, great, but I want them to find themselves first or else it will make it hard. Your twenties should be about finding yourself and nobody ever told that to me, not that I would have listened, but there’s also no reason you can’t include your babies in that either. So I don’t care if I sound crazy because I’m a completely realistic person, I really am. I think all things through before leaping but there just has to be a huge reason for me not to do it if I want it bad enough and there just isn’t now.”…

The more I think about it and look at pictures, it kills me!!! I mean, why not go? I tell myself I should wait until my kids are older and not so little but why? Everything I do is for them and not for myself…. They don’t care where I am as long as they’re with me so why not go? What if I die waiting for them to get older before I do anything for myself?…..

Most people go to college and get in debt and never even use what they wasted money on and I don’t have that on my shoulders and this is my true passion, I’d spend every cent on it and it will stay with me my whole life…. So isn’t that actually a better thing to do then say, go to school to waste money and time instead of living?? See, something to think about, huh?!

I need more coffee….

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Baby Fever Sucks

There are few things worse for a woman than baby fever. We dream of our future babies. We name them in our heads. We imagine how many we are going to have some day. It sucks.

It’s especially interesting when your own baby you just had gives you baby fever. I mean, seriously, how can that even happen?!

I have two boys. The oldest just turned three and the youngest is six months old. I’ve been ready for a third baby ever since I laid eyes on my second. I’m really starting to wonder if I’m ever going to be done having babies. I’d say my husband secretly wonders the same thing on a daily basis because that’s mostly what I talk about.

I had a play date with a momma friend today at our city’s science center. She has a little girl who’s 14 months old and she is such a doll. I imagine what my daughter, if I ever have one, will look like one day. So far my two boys don’t really look that similar so I really can’t guess what my little lady would look like but I hope one day I get to find out.

We both have terrible baby fever so that’s basically all we talked about today. We have also both decided to let our next baby’s gender be a surprise until birth! How awesome of a surprise would that be?! I’m completely content whether we have third boy or our first little girl so I really just want to have that surprise! I even have our next baby’s name picked, both boy and girl, and quite honestly, the next two after that as well. See, baby fever is a terrible disease.

Here are a few things I like for my future baby girl and her space. Now I just need to have one.

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found here; http://pinterest.com/pin/351773420866019039/

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found here; http://pinterest.com/pin/351773420866016219/

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found here; http://pinterest.com/pin/351773420865820754/

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found here; http://pinterest.com/pin/351773420865804309/

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found here; http://pinterest.com/pin/351773420865804921/

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found here; http://pinterest.com/pin/351773420865864885/

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found here; http://pinterest.com/pin/351773420865820671/

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found here; http://pinterest.com/pin/351773420865820798/

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found here; http://pinterest.com/pin/110901209548176598/

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found here; http://pinterest.com/pin/116952921546126352/

F4T – Wasting Life

‘F4T’ = ‘Food for Thought’

What’s the point in being given a life if we aren’t going to live it?! if we’re just going to sit in our homes we worked our asses off to waste away in… drive our fancy cars we’re still paying for to try to make ourselves feel more valuable… while there’s this beautiful world all around us, that we’re destroying, and we aren’t even interested in seeing it… most people are just slowly dying, not living. I refuse to fit into that category.

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photo found here; http://pinterest.com/pin/351773420865964716/